How Our Mind Affects Our Body
Photo by Emily Marucci
I wanted to talk about something personal today. In the trailer for this podcast, I mentioned that I’ve dealt with ongoing health issues since I moved to New York City, with my most persistent and chronic issue being that of acid reflux.
I’m currently in the midst of the one of the worst periods of acid reflux I’ve ever had. It started back in January of this year and almost every night since then I’ve woken up at least once because my body gets overheated by the reflux. This in turn dramatically affects my quality of sleep and has created a whole other set of health problems, such as chronic fatigue, brain fog, irregular cycles, poor circulation, and a suppressed immune system etc. While these side effects are inconvenient short term, what was really scary for me was how chronic reflux can lead to esophagitis, something called Barrett’s esophagus and in some cases, esophageal cancer. Rather than going to a Western medical doctor who would prescribe me proton pump inhibitors (which have some powerful negative long-term side effects) or some other acid suppressing medication, I tried a more holistic approach. I went to my primary care physician who happens to be a chinese medicine Doctor, I saw an ayurvedic practitioner, I went to an acupuncturist, I saw a second ayurvedic practitioner. I’ve changed my diet drastically - I stopped drinking coffee and alcohol completely. I’ve taken so many different combinations of herbal supplements, worked to shift my routine, and even learned vedic meditation. But none of these, significantly helped my symptoms.
In the midst of this chronic reflux, I’ve felt anger towards my body, distrust, and fear of what the reflux could mean for me long term. I’ve experienced lots of self blame and shame. I’ve cried more times than I can remember and felt utterly and completely helpless.
About a week ago, I went to visit my boyfriend in rural Maine. We ate easy-to-digest, local organic produce, rose when the sun came up, immersed ourselves in nature, had many moments of quiet presence. And my reflux was the worst it had been in months. This was terribly confusing for me. I felt like I was doing everything right, and yet, nothing was working. I couldn’t help thinking that if all of this wasn’t helping, perhaps nothing would.
But it was on the six hour bus back to New York City that something shifted. Culturally we are taught that physiological issues have physiological causes. I was starting to accumulate evidence that my reflux was caused by something deeper, perhaps something emotional. I had been resistant to this idea because in accepting that there could be emotional causes to my disease was to acknowledge my responsibility in the creation of these symptoms, and ultimately my responsibility in helping to relieve these symptoms. To be my own healer. Yet, on that bus ride, I started to have a growing sense of awareness of the internal beliefs and patterns that were keeping me and my body stuck. I had a felt understanding that I had the responsibility and the capacity to connect to the emotions that were waiting to be attended to, and in so doing, have a true sense of what my body needed in order to heal.
What’s so fascinating was, just believing that I had the capacity to heal my physiological symptoms went a long way towards reducing them. For three days, my reflux completely disappeared. It was incredible. And it felt like magic. Because the reflux had been chronic for so long, I had internalized the belief that I needed an expert or someone other than me to be able to heal. This belief went hand in hand with not trusting myself. But when I finally accepted that perhaps I had the ability to help myself, my body responded.
Chronic disease has always been a core fear of mine, so it speaks to the intelligence of the body that it created the symptoms of a disease I couldn’t ignore - one that would cause me chronic discomfort, wake me up from sleep, and dominate my mindspace everytime I would sit down to eat a meal. My reflux created a situation that called attention to unprocessed emotions, past traumas, and inauthentic beliefs about myself that needed to be released. And because unprocessed emotions are the kinds of things that are so scary and difficult to attend to, my body created symptoms I couldn’t ignore. The symptoms were like a compass guiding me towards what I needed to grow.
For me, growth looked like first accepting the reality that I was sleeping poorly and having reflux, then bringing compassion to my circumstances, and finally begin to cultivate a relationship with my body built on trust and courage. A relationship where I could fully embrace that I was not helpless, but a powerful agent in my own healing journey.
Although I had relief for those three days, my symptoms haven’t completely gone away and I do believe that in order to fully heal my reflux, it will take a continual practice of returning to this mindset, in addition to a combination of lifestyle changes and proper diet. But, what I have observed is that when I have moments where I feel the truth of being this powerful agent in my own healing, I experience genuine relief.
I’ve been very private in the past when it came to my health and feel vulnerable in sharing this with all of you, but I want you to know that I’m on this journey just like you - I’m finding my way back to nature, back to myself, back to balance. My boyfriend David likes to say “try softer” and I think this idea of letting go, softening, and getting out of my own way, is just what my body is asking of me. My invitation to you is to simply pause, get curious and ask yourself: what is my body asking of me right now?